Issue #1,071 Thursday, September 3, 2026
Of Lake America and Unicorns
Question: What do unicorns and Lake America have in common?
Answer: Neither of them exists.
When I came up with the idea for what (I think) is just such a clever opening line, I considered maybe this was the time for me to sign off on what would be the shortest op-ed of my career, and possibly of all time. Because, seriously, what else needs to be said? Last Thursday, August 27, Trump signed one of his executive orders proclaiming that, from now on, Lake Ontario should be called Lake America because he said so.
Well…no. And middle finger to you, sir.
However, as it relates to the U.S. government, unfortunately, Trump does have the power, through the Department of the Interior, to direct the Geographic Names Information System to update federal maps and databases. This means his executive order applies to all U.S. federal maps and documents. But internationally? The rest of the world calls bullshit, because that’s what it is.
And as far as that goes, even though Google does have a long-standing policy that says its maps should reflect names matching official government sources (extremely difficult to consider Trump an official government source, but whatever), there is no legal requirement.
But rather than risk the orange wrath of The Unhinged One, and even though the law would be on their side if they had chosen not to bend the knee, Google, in true yassuh boss fashion, immediately made the decision to fall in line. No questions asked. They made their best Nike impression:
Just do it.
I have read some news sources indicate that Trump’s tantrum lake renaming fit is related to a trade dispute we are apparently having with Canada, but I would beg to differ. Although throwing tariffs back and forth at one another is certainly not good for trade relations between the U.S. and a nation that once upon a time was actually our best friend in the world, Trump’s ongoing efforts to bend the confines of reality to fit within his comfort zone have nothing at all to do with trade. This is purely about Trump’s inability to exist in a world where there are consequences for incompetence. Trump figures renaming a large body of water like Lake Ontario – same as he tried with the Gulf of Mexico when he officially renamed it the Gulf of America on Jan. 20, 2025 – will strike fear into the hearts of (who, exactly?) while forcing clueless Americans to love him because (why, exactly?)
Welcome to America, Sept. 3, 2026, where reality is optional.
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